Gaining control of the mind is never an easy task especially when there is no one there to help you. You would have to come to the terms that you need to change and once that decision has been made then the real change starts.
So here I was, once again trying to fight something that cannot be seen but can be felt. At this moment there was a lot that I was trying to change. I never wanted to succumb to what was going on in my head, because I have experienced it before and at this time I was aware of how far this battle, once noticed, would take for me to overcome. AIl am a very important decision mentally- I will not fight it anymore, I just change the tone.
"Now I can see Now I want to be set Free completely. So I will continue Working on myself for myself"
The first time the voices came back, I was certain that I was going to turn mad, because it started in a quiet place- on the train, after I had written one of my poems. The poem talks about the situation I found myself in at that time, trying to hide from feeling certain emotions, I would drink red bull. Depending on something to give me the strength in order to go through each day was a routine because in my eyes, each given day was me living it out as though it was not my life and this was when I started to lose the plot.
Now and again I take few deep breaths in, to put my mind at ease. I used to find myself stuck in my head alot. Talking myself into not feeling tired or trying to motivate myself to do something that I did not want to do because at that time (July of 2019) my dad was out there doing something that would benefit us all in the long run. but the voice of doubt spoke very loud and kept asking me : till what point will you keep believing that this is all for the good of the family? till what point will you deprive yourself of something you want for something that he wants?” and it was at that moment that I started to fight with myself because somewhere in me I knew that it will all be worth it at the end of the day. where as the other half of me also was tired of listening to promises that were never fulfilled. Selling all these expectations when in reality, life tends to happen in between attaching these goals. I lived majority of my life lost and muted because I had succumbed to the nightmares of my past.
"It isn’t all that bad If I hadn’t been sad I would have never known what it would be like to be glad"
Gaining control of the mind is never an easy task especially when there is no one there to help you. You would have to come to the terms that you need to change and once that decision has been made, then the real change starts. In my case I was struggling, there has always been someone telling me what needs to be done and how to do it and when it has been done wrongly, I will get told off. But look at where that has got me mentally: I still ride with training wheels. I have reached the point where I will try to ride with no training wheels and see how far that will get me because at the end of the day my life is mine no matter how many times my father tells me it isn’t. no matter how many times he tells me that I have to live for others and stop being selfish. I can now tell myself that in order for me to live for others I would first need to know WHO I am and WHAT I want in order for me to be able to help others. There are certain chains that has been wrapped around me that would need to be let loose. I first had to completely surrender to God because he is the one and only person that knows me for how I am. He knows me and knows what I want so I go to him to ask him because I do not know what direction I should go to. I never knew how to mute the voices in my head. here are a few quotes from the bible that helped me through:
Every time I discover something new about myself I get Goosebumps. It’s as though I have been living but not been alive. I was dead, I was a robot controlled by the world and now that the chain has come off, I can see how I look physically and know what the next step is.im taking back my body baby!!
Inner Peace It isn’t all that bad If I hadn’t been sad I would have never known what it would be like to be glad. If I hadn’t been blind I wouldn’t have known What it is like to see All the beautiful buildings, The sun rising The smile of people’s faces their expression when there are tired or unhappy. It had to be bad For it to be Good Now I can see Now I want to be set Free completely. So I will continue Working on myself for myself I will take my days off When I need it. For it is only me that feels the pain I currently am feeling. I want to be free So I work on myself daily Physically and mentality I smile and laugh When the situation Is tough and chaotic I am clam and in control. I still have a lot to learn So I’m glad I started now. Thank you, God, for giving me this gift For it brings me peace.
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